Walking the Dog

I know Chippers likes to take his dog Rosey for a walk every evening. He told me how it can get a bit boring on your own. So this is what happened when he tried to find a like-minded person to go dog walking with.

He was out one day walking Rosey around his local woodland when he got caught short and need to go for a pee. So he dived behind a tree to relieve himself, remembering his doctor’s advice for old gits “shake it twice then wring it out before you zip it back in the dark”. As he looked up, a notice was pinned to the tree. It was appealing to anyone interested in dogging, to turn up in the evening and ask for Rufus. He told me the woods had been given a make over by a local residence society with some funding from the council. They wanted to put some fun back into the woods. It was time to attract a more diverse group of people searching to experience a different slice of life. He said “This dog walking group is just what he was looking for”. Little did he know that another much younger man had read the same notice and would be setting out to the woods with his dog Rufus. Chippers thought it was a bit strange walking dogs late at night, so he took a handful of broken biscuits to nibble on.

He walked around the woods trying to admire the new sculpture work, but found it difficult to see anything in the dark. He thought he saw a man leaning up against the passenger seat window of a car where a woman was eating what looked to be a jumbo sausage. He thought “if that was me I couldn’t eat it dry, I would have to use some of Paul Newman’s gentlemen’s relish”.

As you’ve guessed by his poor eye sight and dripping tap Chippers still hasn’t mastered the art of judgement when it comes to his toilet arrangements. After about an hour walking in the dark he got caught short again but this time he needed a dump. So he walked into a thick wooded area were he crouched down. However nothing was happening because under normal circumstances he has a book to read which helps his motion. Luckily, without knowing, the tree he was squatting against handed him a copy of cycling weekly that had come with a free Lego torch key ring. Having finished an interesting article on how to adjust a headset he realised he hadn’t brought any toilet paper with him, so he reached into his pocket and pulled out his oyster card. He thought “I can’t can I?”, until he opened it and had a eureka moment as he decided to use the till receipts to wipe his derrière with. However they were a bit on the small side and he ended up with a brown finger. This reminded him of the last time he was in this position without any toilet paper. He ended up wiping his arse with a neighbour’s gerbil named Gary. It’s a long story, maybe another time. However, after he had wiped himself he could feel something licking his neater regions. He looked down and saw the tree was wearing shoes. It was at this stage the younger man/tree had realised what his dog was licking and shouted ‘Rufus don’t do that’. With this a large geezer with a moustache and leather trousers sat up adjusting his headset.

Chippers took one look at the large geezer and looked down and was relived it was only a dog licking his nuts. He pulled his trousers up quick but as a sort of payback he stroked the dog and let him lick his finger clean. He told me he has never run home so fast in his life.

Even today he still gets flashbacks when he gets brown paint on hands.

Chippers still walks in the woods but only in daylight. He often sees Rufus with his owner and wonders if he is recognised, by the owner that is, as Rufus comes running up to lick his finger and always looks disappointed.

Nice Pear

Chippers spent weeks setting up the lighting for this photograph. I do hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

I asked Chippers what you need to look out for when choosing a nice pear. He gave me this list to post.

• Distinctive shape with a firm mouth-watering textured flesh.
• Large, plump and best appreciated when approaching full ripeness.
• Always be on the look out for a Flemish beauty.
• Beware of a Blister canker.
• If you are unsure you can always trust the Vicar of Winkfield.

Hello Mr Chips

A very good friend of mine has asked if he could post the odd article now and then to help give the blog a different perspective. Chippers has held many titles in life but none more enjoyable than when he was a keeper of buildings. This was over thirty years ago, but it still seems fresh in this mind. It was in this line of duty he was called upon to attend what’s known in the trade as ‘a large obstruction’ in one of the toilets. Training in those days was at a minimum and he merrily went ahead to clear the blockage with all the gusto of a dwarf heading down to the mine. He used a mixture of three toxic cleaning products to dislodge a huge richard the third that had got stuck in a ladies toilet. A good dollop of chlorine bleach, ammonia and a drain cleaner was sprinkled down the pan without hesitation. After collapsing due to fume inhalation, the huge richard the third then erupted like mount vesuvius and spread a toxic mix of the brown stuff all over the walls, ceiling, and floor. As he collapsed two people passing the toilet must have heard him kick the bucket and managed to drag him feet first out of the loo. He was revived by an old lady who was eating an orange at the time. Sightseers have said she had to take her teeth out before giving him mouth to mouth resuscitation. His only physical injury was a large graze to his nose as he was slowly dragged out on the coarse floor tiles. Mentally, who knows what it has done to him, but one thing we all know is that he still harbours issues with oranges. To this day he still gives new recruits a tour of the building, ending in the ladies toilet where he makes sure they all see the ceiling which is still pitted with sweet corn craters left from the incident years ago. He talks about this incident as though it was something like roswell. He tells them there is a conspiracy theory as to why the ceiling has never been refurbished. Over the many years he has worked there, when the preverbal shit has hit the fan, the manager has always walked him into the toilet and asked him to look up. What a strange place he works in. He goes on to tell them “a cloud seemed to hang in the air for hours and so sanilav toilet cleaner citrus fresh was used. Three hours later the building manager had heard about the incident and walked straight into the toilet for a crap and said to him “cor someone’s shit an orange”. Since that day a traumatised chippers still finds it hard to eat an orange. This obsession has lead him to paint the orange before eating it.


Chippers gave up this line of work ages ago and although he is no where near retiring age, his mind retired last year. Never fear though, we will all benefit from his pearls of wisdom.