Can you smell it?: 2014

Thursday 8 May 2014

Dear Deidre

Our neighbour was helping with the carpentry for our new kitchen - then I caught him in bed with my wife. I'm 39 and my wife is 36. She's been around the block a few times and I couldn't believe that she still wanted to go around again. She has a friend from her school days who has nicknamed her Cockermouth, but I just thought she was from the Lake District. When she agreed to date me, she told me that she loved Willy. At the time I thought this was her Yorkshire terrier.. We've always had a great relationship with lots of sex in allsorts of positions. But then this new guy moved in next door. He's 30, a carpenter and seemed so nice. My wife decided her draws needed a closer inspection and if we bought them online, our neighbour could come across and we could save some cash. He seemed keen on helping and making some money, too, so we had quite a few evenings going through the plans. I always used to find them in our kitchen sharpening his pencil with my wife at hand. The work was soon under way - but I got the shock of my life when I got home from work early and found him lubricating his chisel in my wife’s back passage. I was so angry; I looked at them and froze. He had the cheek to ask me for a tissue to wipe off his residue. Then I came to my senses and yelled at the guy: "Get out of here before I thump you!" As my wife was the one playing away perhaps she deserved the punch. But I'd never hit a woman so I tired her up to the bed and made her watch Good Morning Britain. She could see how upset I was so I ran to her mother's house and ended up in bed with her. A month has past and I was told by a friend that the carpenter chisel has gone blunt and my wife is living on her own. So I went round to see her when I met the carpenter coming back from the shop as he had only run out of 3 in 1 oil. I feel angry and betrayed. I can't get the image of my wife and this bloke out of my head. But what really disturbs me is that I find it arousing. I don't know whether to tell my wife the effect it's had on me or ask her for a divorce.